This is what I do with my wife to get it crackin in the bedroom all night. It all starts with her heart.

When seeking therapy, couples may have the belief that the main objective is to achieve peace and harmony in their relationship and cease all arguments. This is understandable, as constant conflict, whether in the form of raised voices or silent treatment, can be extremely distressing. However, simply being able to “get along” does not suffice as a strong foundation for a successful marriage.

From my own personal observations, I have found that successful marriages are not built on the absence of disagreements, but rather on a profound level of emotional closeness. I have come across numerous couples who have a seemingly harmonious relationship. They view themselves as ideal partners and rarely argue. They work together to raise their children, enjoy vacations, and even tackle home renovations without major issues. However, despite their surface level compatibility, these couples often feel dissatisfied in their marriage. They experience emotional solitude and a lack of profound connection with their spouse.

Conversely, I have also witnessed marriages filled with conflicts and disagreements. These couples may not have the smoothest relationship and may not be considered “compatible” by outside standards. However, in many cases, these couples have a strong sense of emotional closeness and intimacy with each other. While their conflicts may pose a constant challenge, they feel a deep sense of security in their emotional bond.

When you feel tightly connected to your partner, you can navigate all your problem sets.  But without that connection, each time you hit rough water it feels like the marriage may capsize.

Could the issue be a lack of communication or a lack of intimacy?

Repeatedly, couples seek counseling due to dissatisfaction with their communication skills. Yet, as therapy progresses, it becomes apparent that the root of the issue is not their ability to communicate, but rather their struggle to be transparent, truthful, and emotionally available with one another.

“They Don’t Want To Have Difficult Conversations.”

These couples struggle with having difficult conversations, particularly when it comes to discussing their deeper emotions and thoughts about themselves, their partner, and their marriage. While they may be skilled at addressing day-to-day issues in their relationship, they struggle to effectively communicate their innermost feelings.

They may speak openly about mundane topics like unwashed dishes and household responsibilities, but when it comes to sharing what they truly feel, they remain silent.

Their fear of making things worse keeps them from expressing themselves.

As a result, the tension builds up until it eventually explodes in a burst of angry outbursts or emotional breakdowns. The words that pour out in these moments are often harsh, such as accusing their partner of only caring about themselves, being constantly glued to their phone, never listening, or not knowing how to love.

However, they desire to express their vulnerable emotions, such as:

• – Do you still have feelings for me?
• – Are you still attracted to me?
• – I feel alone.
• – I don’t feel valued by you.
• – I believe there should be more depth to our marriage.

However, rather than expressing their vulnerable emotions, they choose to voice their critical ones, ultimately leading to a hostile confrontation. This only solidifies the notion that they should suppress these feelings and that discussing them only leads to conflict. And thus, the pattern continues to repeat itself.

It’s Tough To Listen To It All

Listening to your partner’s feelings can be just as difficult as sharing your own. In many marriages, one partner is constantly pleading for their significant other to open up, but when they finally do, it often doesn’t go well. It’s not surprising that people become upset when their partner expresses their emotions. Instead of truly listening and trying to understand, many try to control their partner’s feelings. These are some common reactions I often see:

1. Denying the issue – “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re mistaken.”
2. Attempting to fix their partner’s feelings – “You’re so negative, just try to be more positive.”
3. Becoming defensive – “You’re always criticizing me.”
4. Getting angry – “You’re just a selfish jerk, I don’t know why I even married you.”
5. Giving in – “It’s all my fault, I’ll never be able to give you what you need.”

Before You Have Difficult Talks, Learn How To

Acquiring the skill of navigating challenging discussions is a crucial aspect of couples therapy. It involves learning to express vulnerable emotions and actively listen to one’s partner. Rather than succumbing to conflict or resorting to silence, couples can learn to have difficult conversations.

However, this is not a simple task and can present significant difficulties in practice.

Many couples avoid these conversations out of fear. They may believe that such dialogues will only lead to more destructive and painful arguments, jeopardizing their relationship. There is also the fear that being honest about their feelings will harm the marriage.

Additionally, there is the concern of discovering unpleasant truths about their partner or feeling overwhelmed with sadness and loss.

In short, many couples feel the following:

• The discussion will only result in yet another damaging and agonizing argument.
• The relationship cannot endure if they are truthful about their emotions.
• They cannot remain in the union if they learn the true sentiments their partner holds towards them.
• They will be consumed by a feeling of sorrow and grief.

What is the purpose of Couples Therapy?

The main goal of Couples Therapy is to establish trust between partners. This involves learning how to openly communicate feelings without fear of anger or abandonment, and listening to each other without shame. This process is approached gradually and carefully in order to build a sense of trust over time. As a result, partners are able to have meaningful and honest conversations that shift away from accusations and instead focus on expressing the desire for closeness.

The main focus in Couples Therapy is on understanding and acknowledging each partner’s individual and combined feelings. It is believed that these underlying emotions, such as loneliness, sadness, and feeling undervalued or unheard, are the root cause of relationship issues. By identifying and addressing these emotions, partners can stop expending energy on hiding their true feelings and instead work towards building a close and connected relationship.

It is crucial to have emotional intimacy in order to have these difficult conversations in Couples Therapy. This foundation allows for a sense of safety, connection, and understanding with one’s partner. When emotional intimacy is present, partners feel secure and able to openly share their deepest thoughts and emotions.

The Main Objective

Many may assume that resolving conflict is the ultimate goal.

After all, who wouldn’t want to reduce conflict in their daily lives? However, it is impossible to effectively resolve conflicts without first establishing emotional connection.

Therefore, in therapy, my focus shifts from conflict resolution to fostering emotional intimacy between partners. This involves encouraging them to genuinely listen to each other and openly express their feelings.

Interestingly, as couples grow more emotionally connected, many of their conflicts naturally dissipate.