According to Renowned Relationship Experts, These Relationship Issues Have Little to No Chance of Ever Being Resolved

We’ve all been there. The constant bickering that leads to salacious remarks that lead to regretting whom you’ve chosen as a partner. We’ve also arrive at a place where we feel it can just be worked out through the passage of time. It’s an old-fashioned approached that was recently debunked by Oregon-based relationship psychologist, Jeff Guentheur.

According to him, there are five types of issues that are red flags signifying the inevitable end to a relationship. Now, don’t get me confused. This doesn’t always mean divorce, or some other form of exit. Keep in mind that extreme distance isn’t a healthy relationship activity, either.

In fact, couples who take separate vacations, sleep in separate bedrooms (or homes), and are taxed to simply coexist with their significant other are all dead in the water, in my opinion.

But hey, whatever work for you.

Five Relationship Problems That Won’t Go Away With Time

This list certainly isn’t all-inclusive, as everyone has their own non-negotiables in life. However, most people will agree you can’t just leave these to chance. You need to have the tough conversation, tackle the issue, and get to the bottom of it. Even if the resolution is dissolution.

Neglecting Small Gestures

In this instance, you’re not only forgetting to write a cute note, or surprise them with flowers. You’re not even paying attention to your beau. Think of this as the honeymoon phase ending. At inception, your relationship was filled with random kisses and butt grabs. Now, you two can sit in the same room for hours and not engage in real conversation. You may talk, but it’s not intimate. You’re not loving staring at her. She isn’t in need of the comfort from lying in your strong arms. It’s a bored roommate aesthetic.

You’ve become two ships passing each other by the lighthouse.

Repetitive Arguments

My personal pet peeve.

Do you remember when your sibling would always “borrow” something without your approval? Or, when that kid in class just wouldn’t shut up and let you hear what the teacher was saying? Maybe you were that kid.

In any case, what this means in a relationship is the nuances that annoy you don’t go away. And your partner doesn’t notice. Or, isn’t disciplined enough in your love language to understand your way. You think they couldn’t care less. They say, “I do care, and I don’t mean to hurt you.” Three months later, you guys are going at it about the same issue. Eventually, you each get used to the cycle.

At this point, the relationship can take a turn for the worse. Both parties are in a mental space filled with notions of never being prized or prioritized. And rightfully so, because you truly are being misunderstood by your spouse or partner.

In his exclusive interview with Glam, Jeff Guenther shares, “This means even minor disagreements trigger a sense of ‘here we go again’ followed by shutdown and withdrawal.”

As someone whose been in a relationship where revolving quarrels were commonplace, I totally agree. And it never did stop. Those tiny arguments just snowballed, and turned into an avalanche neither of us were able to recover from.

The arguments resulted in both of us feeling triggered, and shutting down. Hoping a reprieve from the situation would enable us to converse more amiably. This was never the case, however. The longer you continue in this manner, the tougher it is to get back on the same emotional wavelength.

And that’s where our next problem comes into play.

The Desire For Distance and Independence

According to Jeff Guenther, this is a normal and even healthy part of a relationship. How he explains it is, “As individuals evolve, their interests, beliefs, or needs might diverge, resulting in incompatibility. Often, this isn’t anyone’s fault and can be unpredictable, but it may mean there’s not enough left to hold the relationship together.”

What this means for relationships isn’t a simple crash and burn. It may simply mean your partner wants a few new friends, and you want to go on a religious retreat for a couple of weeks. Nothing wrong with that, right? Our issues begin to arise, when an overwhelming sense of satisfaction begins to build in the absence of your significant other. The joy you feel begins as a crack, and evolves into a canyon.

According to Guenther, “the partner seeking independence might still love their significant other, but this need often leads to feelings of being trapped, creating a gap in the relationship that’s hard to bridge.”

Think back to our first problem. The lack of intimacy brought by not taking care of the ‘little’ things drives one person onto the road of perdition. They constantly wonder where they went wrong. What action made you become distant. And what they can do to change it. The inevitable conclusion is they were never at fault. Over time, they stop blaming you, as well.

But the desire for fulfillment never dissipates. in fact, it may become stronger as the concept of memento mori comes into play. Needing to achieve a certain goal becomes more pertinent all while it becomes clear they won’t get to that desired plateau, because you’ve stopped helping them climb.

Eventually, they’ll be forced to cut the rope. Only emotionally, of course.

Falling For Another Person

This article feels like a strange and inescapable funnel at this point, I’m sure.

“Developing feelings for someone outside the current relationship typically signals unmet emotional needs,” According to Jeff Guenther. “Perceived as a significant betrayal, this erodes trust and breaks emotional connections.”

All points we’ve discussed seem to arise because of one or more of the nuances before or following it. And this is absolutely true of life. Although Guenther attributes this break down to another person meeting emotional needs you can’t, it’s not always so black-and-white.

Your partner may begin to relish solitude more than you, as well. Or, they revel in other activities they feel complete them in ways their marriage or relationship cannot. I had a friend that left his wife, so that he could go on spiritual pilgrimage, and rebuild his ‘ancient and natural humanistic state’ as he decided to put it. My take on their situation is that he wanted to move to Israel, and it felt much too unrealistic for her to pack up the family and learn Hebrew on a whim. I never told my friend this, but I was team wifey all the way on that one.

If that seems a bit farfetched (trust me, I thought it was stupid too) think of how Tom Brady couldn’t bear to leave the NFL, and how his marriage began to crumble because of the issues that arose.

So why can’t time fix this type of situation? Because the redirection of affection towards something else is constantly pulling your partner away. And with more force, to boot. Nothing works, save for your partner deciding they no longer yearn for the person or shiny thing capturing their attention at the moment.

And you’re certainly not wrong for refusing to wait it out.

Growing Apart

This isn’t like number four, no matter how much you want to convince yourself.

What Jeff reveals here is “As individuals evolve, their interests, beliefs, or needs might diverge, resulting in incompatibility. Often, this isn’t anyone’s fault and can be unpredictable, but it may mean there’s not enough left to hold the relationship together.”

All he’s telling us is that old dogs actually do learn new tricks, contrary to popular belief. I’m guilty of this, and here is why: I pursued a certain career with the thought of always wanting to help the people I grew up with in some form. While I do still keep in contact with them, what actually happened is I became so enthralled with the career, and the ‘big picture’ I forgot about they might need me be a friend along the way.

Long story short, I did gain what I needed to help our longtime group of friends evolve in the world. But we no longer understand each other in the way we had before. There was a lot of give and take there. Unfortunately for me, the loss feels as if it outweighs the gain. That’s just for now, hopefully.

Plenty of couples do learn to adapt to change and realign the relationship, as necessary to accommodate shifting priorities or needs. However, it’s not uncommon for lots of people to struggle with these changes. As stated before, it is difficult to shorten the distance or bridge emotional connection when both individuals have drifted too far.

Please note that your attempts to reconcile a relationship are not automatically futile. And I hope you wouldn’t use these words as a reason to escape a situation that feels mundane at the moment. As a product of people being everchanging and dynamic, relationships share this characteristic. Consulting a relationship counselor can help pinpoint the underlying problems. Keep in mind that couples therapy only works if both parties are willing to put that emotional work.

Read the original article on Glam.